Faithless
by WitheringSage
Summary: What if Rowan Faith Danvers had not survived the car crash? What would the Sons' lives be like without her? ONE SHOT -Part of the "Faith" series


_Disclaimer: I own nothing from The Covenant_

**Faithless**

_In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe  
and enough shadows to blind those who don't.  
-Blaise Pascal_

A battering ram struck the door, sending a bulldozing pain through his brain. In hopes that the sound was a mere effect of his hangover, he shoved his face back into his pillow just as another succession of bangs assaulted his senses.

"Go away!" was his muffled shout.

"It's Tyler!"

Reid Garwin groaned. His oldest and best friend's voice became clearer when he came to stand in the doorway of his bedroom. The beat of silence was him taking in the scene.

"I'll get you some aspirin," Tyler said, then walked away.

Ten minutes later the blond shuffled into his kitchen. His eyes were bloodshot; chin unshaved, hair a mess. Nonetheless, Reid still possessed the good looks that attracted the opposite sex to his sardonic, bad boy, hard-to-get persona. No doubt that after a shower and shave he would once again inhabit that mold.

Tyler put two Advil on the counter. Reid headed for the fridge but the younger male thrust a glass of water in front of him, stopping him from grabbing a beer to wash down the pills. Reid snorted derisively but didn't argue with the doctor. He sat down at the table, blocking out the sounds of traffic.

His apartment was sparsely furnished, with little to no decoration. Reid survived on take out food, and couldn't even remember the last time he had had a home-cooked meal.

"So," Reid spoke, "what brings you to my door, Dr. Baby Boy?"

The blond took a good look at Tyler. He appeared put-together, as always. His hair was trimmed closely, but stylishly to his head; a light blue button-down shirt went with his casual jeans. Even at twenty-five Tyler Simms still exuded an air of boyishness to his features that put his patients and family of the patients at ease; a thing that could not be learned and was much needed upon frequent visits to see a pediatric oncologist. In college he had doubled up on all his studies and graduated early with high honors. It left little room for a social life or time for himself, but it never seemed to bother him.

"I tried calling you," Tyler said.

Reid nodded, downed the rest of his water. "Must've been sleeping."

"It's two in the afternoon," he replied dryly.

When Tyler didn't continue with his subtle chastisement as was usual, Reid got suspicious. "What? No lecture?" His brow rose inquiringly.

Tyler smirked. "Maybe next week."

Reid chuckled. "I look forward to it."

He worked nights, from six PM to two or three AM five nights a week. Sometimes four. Reid worked at an upscale bar behind the counter, mingling as he served drinks to kids who thought they could get a fake ID past him, or to females who only ordered the alcohol just to talk to him. Sometimes he went home with one of those girls. He was usually drunk, and ninety-nine percent of the time couldn't remember the woman's name in the morning if he had gotten it in the first place. Reid didn't mind seeing the same person more than once, but when they began talking about 'dating' or tried to get to know him and set about making their own romantic movie by trying to get past his guard, he gave them the heave-ho. He had never had a serious relationship in his life, and he didn't want one either. There was nothing in him to give; whatever was worth anything had been in a box with her name on it, and when she had died ten years ago, he'd buried that box with her.

Tyler could tell by the expression on Reid's face that Rowan had come to his mind. The veil of dark grief flickered briefly on his fair face, then passed as quickly and as quietly as it had come. Reid hadn't been anyone near the same after Rowan's death; none of them had; the blond just had the hardest time getting back on his feet. They all had suffered.

"You have work tonight?" Tyler asked, taking a seat at the small table.

"Surprisingly, no. Why?"

Tyler sighed a little, troubled. "The vet's coming to Caleb's tomorrow. Bubbe's getting put to sleep."

A weight settled in Reid's stomach, a weight with barbs. This was how he'd felt when Ernie had been put to sleep two years ago. The German shepherd had lived to a ripe age of sixteen, two years past his breed's average life span.

"And, what, Caleb didn't call me?" he said archly.

"_I_ called you," Tyler answered firmly.

Reid scoffed, got up and grabbed a beer from the fridge. He removed the cap with his hand and drank until half the bottle was gone. "What time?"

"Eleven."

The blond nodded as he gazed out the kitchen window. His sadness was genuine. To anyone else it'd seem odd for a grown man to want to weep over a cat. But Bubbe had been like living, breathing parts of Rowan she had left behind. She had loved Ernie and Bubbe like a mother would her kids that had come from her body. Losing Ernie had been like saying goodbye to Rowan all over again; now it was happening with Bubbe.

"I'll be there," Reid said.

Caleb's neck relaxed at her soft touch. He put his hand over hers, looked up at her. She grinned back.

"How is she?" Judy asked as she sat next to him on the couch.

"A little out of it, I think," Caleb replied to his wife.

Bubbe rested on Caleb's lap, gently enfolded in his arms. Her tail moved a tad, responding to the light strokes of his hand behind her ear. Judy put her head on Caleb's shoulder. She didn't know how much grief her husband could endure, but he stood strong against all of it. His sister's death, his mom's, his dad's, and contending with his Power as well. They had gone to Spenser Academy together but had not really gotten to know one another until they attended Harvard when they found themselves in many of the same courses.

Caleb was comforted by Judy's closeness. He didn't know what he would do without her. She was his port in the storm, his haven, his reason for breathing. He felt a peace with her he hadn't felt since Rowan died. He asked her out their second semester. Two years later he proposed. They had celebrated their one-year anniversary four months ago.

There had been a lot of guilt at first, beginning to enjoy life for the first time; but he knew, even after the first few months of her death, that Rowan would not have wanted him to drop anchor. His little sister would have wanted him to go on and live his life to the fullest. That conviction didn't make it easy, but it kept him going. He wished he could say the same for others. Evelyn's drinking became worse after Rowan; her last sober, coherent act had been on his eighteenth birthday, when she begged his father to surrender his Power to Caleb so he would survive against Chase Collins' attack. Now Caleb lived with two Powers. His mother's fear of imminent addiction had not come true for him. He only had to think of Rowan, or Judy, and the dark urges would abate. Some of the weight of his family history had lessened when his mom died of extreme cirrhosis of the liver six years ago.

"Did you get a hold of Pogue?" Judy asked. "And Hunter?"

"I finally got Pogue," he said. "Not Hunter, though."

Hunter was God knew where. He had followed in his uncle's and late father's footsteps, joining Black Ops., doing things that Hunter wasn't allowed to speak of. When he had an assignment, not even Hunter knew the location until he arrived. There was no communication out or in. They never knew if Hunter survived whatever hell he deliberately put himself through until they received a telephone call.

"How about Reid?"

Caleb was silent, trying not to show his chagrin. "Tyler said he was coming."

"That's good," Judy encouraged.

"That remains to be seen," Caleb uttered. "I hope he just arrives sober."

She ran her fingers through his hair affectionately. "I think he will for this."

He neither agreed nor disagreed. Reid Garwin was a sore subject, one often ending in a stalemate. His wife sensed this and prompted them to bed. They settled Bubbe in her orthopedic bed at the foot of their own before getting ready for sleep. Caleb checked on the tabby cat one more time, then slid under the covers next to Judy. Over the years he'd kept his body fit and was a sight for sore eyes in just his boxers. A view none truer if Judy's appreciative gaze was something to go by.

Caleb kissed her lingeringly on her soft lips; his hand lovingly stroked her rounded belly.

"I still can't believe the doctor," he said, though with a smile.

"Does Reid know yet?" she asked.

Some of the mirth left his face. "I know what will happen." Reid always reacted negatively to anything that might contain whisperings of Rowan.

"I think he would be happy for you."

"Reid's never happy for anyone," he said with some finality. His thumb caressed Judy's abdomen. He couldn't believe his child was growing in there.

First fear, then jubilation had filled him when Judy told him four and a half months ago. Knowing he was going to become a father was a heady thing. It made him think about his own upbringing, the people and events that inhabited it, all that had shaped him into who he was today. The next day he'd gone to Rowan's grave and told her; some might think it macabre that he visited his sister's grave to talk to her, but Caleb always felt a little better after speaking aloud to her. He did that when he was in doubt, in conflict. He spoke to Rowan about their parents' deaths, about him wanting to propose to Judy, then he'd gone back when Judy accepted.

And each time, as he was about to leave, the softest breeze always blew. No leaves on the trees or ground moved; not a blade of grass stirred; but Caleb felt that soothing wind, cherished it, because he knew it was Rowan reaching out to him.

He held her in a spoon fashion, nuzzling the crook of her neck, the whispered words of 'I love you' brushing across her skin. When her husband's breathing evened out into slumber Judy let her mind wander. Tomorrow would be an emotional day. Getting the four of them – five if Hunter managed to appear – into the same room, especially for an occasion like this was bound to abrade at tender spots.

It resurrected more memories of the past than the heart and soul could endure. It was a testament of their love for Rowan that even her memory could bind them together tighter than the Covenant.

Rowan had been one in a million. Judy had not known her overly well, but well enough to feel and know that the loss of a human being like her was a universal one. Almost the whole town of Ipswich had attended her funeral. A rowan tree was planted in Ipswich's park in her honor with a commemorating plaque next to it.

It went without saying that the greatest loss was to Caleb and his brothers. Judy connected with her husband over this. It brought a deep understanding in their relationship. While most women, or people, would not have been able to comprehend Caleb's grief, even after ten years, Judy did. When she was six her older brother was abducted and murdered. Though her recollections of him were not as clear as Caleb's were of Rowan, Judy still knew what this sort of loss could bring to a family. The quiet that was absence, the cacophony that was sorrow. Ripples from a pool of tears that spread across infinite waters. Tears that still fell.

"Hey, if you're done polluting your lungs, the food's here."

Reid didn't get a chance to make a rebuttal before Tyler closed the sliding door of the balcony. He finished his cigarette, stubbed it out and went back inside. He heard the door close, Tyler walked into the living room holding two bags that contained Chinese food.

He spread it out on the coffee table while Reid got them some beers. He was laying off the hard stuff while Tyler was here. Baby Boy was staying over to make sure Reid didn't imbibe to the point of having a hangover. It would aid in significantly reducing any tension tomorrow, primarily between Reid and Caleb. The last time Tyler had had to watch Reid like a hawk was at Judy and Caleb's wedding. Caleb deserved that day to be without drama, and if Reid was drunk then words were bound to be had.

Reid was long used to this. His high school days were spent in a haze of alcohol, drugs and sex. But it was junior year when the shit hit the fan. His seventeenth birthday. Caleb had walked in on him snorting coke in his bathroom. A huge fight ensued. Reid left his own party and went back to the dorms where it was quiet. Rowan had just been in his head all day, clear and upfront, and he wanted to blot her out because it was so painful. Tyler found him a few hours later unconscious on the bathroom floor from too many Vicodin. He woke up two days later in the hospital.

He was forced to stay there under psychiatric watch because the doctor figured it for a suicide attempt, which it was anything but.

"You're killing yourself," Caleb said later on in the hospital.

He had rolled his eyes. "What do you care?"

"Rowan would care," Caleb shot back.

"Rowan's dead."

Caleb's face had turned red and it was obvious he was trying to hold himself back, but he wasn't going to attack Reid while he was in a hospital bed.

"You think you're the only one who didn't die that day?" Caleb demanded. "We all miss her!"

"Excuse the fuck out of me for not holding up as well as you," Reid snapped.

"Holding up?" Caleb stood over him menacingly. "I am _this_ close to breaking everyday," he said through clenched teeth. "I miss her so much it hurts. But I know she wouldn't have wanted me to take the road you are."

Reid's eyes were averted, jaw clamped.

"Her heart would break to see you like this," was Caleb's parting shot.

Reid hadn't done any hard drugs since then. It wasn't an epiphany or complete turn over as he replaced the drugs with even more booze and more sex. He passed his classes by using his Power or copying off of Tyler; graduating from Spenser by a hair. He tried college, but dropped out in his first semester. His parents had all but given up on him by then, but they said they wouldn't cut him off as long as he stayed clean. So he had.

Now, in his living room, Reid's eyes sparked as he lit another cigarette. Tyler cleared his throat pointedly.

The blond rolled his eyes, took one more drag and the cig disappeared in thin air. Despite these capricious acts, Reid actually didn't abuse his Power that much. Sure, he'd gone nuts when he first ascended, not because he was compelled, just because he could.

They put on some old flick and watched while they ate. Tyler periodically checked his beeper.

"Waiting for some hot chick to call?" Reid asked with a smirk, knowing full well no woman was going to call Tyler.

"Yeah, actually," Tyler replied.

He chuckled. "Let me guess, mother of a patient."

The only type of woman Tyler could speak to with even an iota of confidence.

"I told her to call if Danny was feeling sick again." He kept his eyes forward, away from the sardonic glare of the guy next to him.

"Are you and the mother...?"

"No," Tyler answered firmly.

"Because Doctor would never take advantage of a young, single mother."

"Some of us have morals."

"Ouch. That hurt, Baby Boy. That hurt."

Truth was that morals had nothing to do with it. Tyler knew that any relationship he begun would only end in permanent separation. The longest companionship he'd been in was a year and a half, and near the end had been excruciatingly painful. When he was younger, Tyler was awkward around the opposite sex; now, his ex-girlfriends referred to him as 'unreachable,' 'closed off.' He wasn't affectionate enough. Sure, he was considerate, never bad mouthed them, or yelled. Apparently these were turn offs. Ineffectual, that's what Tyler Simms was when it came to romantic relationships. He knew something was missing inside of him, what it was, however, remained a mystery.

His parents were still hoping that he'd meet a nice girl to settle down with, get married, have kids, carry on the family name. Tyler feared that he would be the last Simms of the Covenant line.

It was up to the four of them.

"Some of us are getting together for a barbeque tomorrow, you up for it?"

Pogue's sometimes-girlfriend came out of the bathroom in a robe as she towel-dried her hair. She had the complexion of her Native American roots, along with the glossy black hair and onyx eyes.

"Can't," he said.

"Oh. Have something else planned?" she questioned.

Getting information out of Pogue was like pulling teeth. When he didn't offer explanations it was usually personal. Whether he did this on purpose or was intentional, Cassidy didn't know. They were off and on for two years now, standing still for the most part. She loved him but had never told him so.

"Caleb's cat is getting euthanized."

"The tabby one?" She immediately regretted saying that.

Pogue peered at her. "Yeah… You know this how?"

"I…saw the photo album," Cassidy confessed.

His face betrayed no reaction. He kept that photo album on the top shelf in his closet. It was filled with pictures of him when he was younger. Ones with Rowan, Tyler the guinea pig, Ernie and Bubbe. Happier days.

After a tense moment, Pogue nodded.

"Is she sick?"

"Bubbe's eighteen," Pogue said.

"Wow." She sat down on the bed. "So, um…what's so special about this cat?"

Silence. Pogue didn't want to go into this. It was late, he was bummed that Bubbe was going to die. "She belonged to Caleb's little sister."

"Caleb has a little sister?"

"Had," he answered tersely.

"The girl in the pictures."

He nodded and offered no further conversation on the subject. Cassidy frowned. She wanted Pogue to talk to her. By the way he was in those pictures, he was obviously close with Caleb's little sister, too. Two years, and Pogue had not once mentioned her. She knew so little about his childhood; those moments in his life that had made him smile so wide, made his blue eyes light up.

Pogue got into bed, and waited for Cassidy to slip in beside him. When she did she stayed on her side. They lay awake in the darkness amidst a chilly silence. He wasn't angry that Cassidy went through his photo albums. It was bound to happen eventually. At least she'd waited an appropriate amount of time before letting her curiosity get the best of her. That didn't mean he wanted to wax poetic about his past. About Rowan and how much he missed her. About Ernie, and Bubbe. About why they were so special.

He didn't know where they were going. His parents wished he'd settle down, have a family. Pogue didn't want the hassle, the burden. Even his high school dalliances were just that - dalliances. His aloofness often became oppressive after a time; his quiet was like a noose around the throat.

Cassidy stuck with him the longest. Maybe because they had a lot in common. They both craved speed and adventure, traveling, risks. Things that gave you a rush so strong it took over your entire being; brought you to the precipice of oblivion. Oblivion, where Pogue felt the freest.

Pogue looked at the sleeping Cassidy in the dark and felt a pang in his heart. For the first time he felt sorry about being unable to give a woman what she wanted. And for the first time he felt that he was missing out.

Hunter knew someone was in his apartment the moment he got out of the shower.

"_C'est moi_," Gabriel called out.

He was tired, but glad to see Gabriel. The Cajun sorcerer was often here when he returned from clandestine outings.

"Be there in a sec," he answered.

Hunter got dressed in an old pair of jeans and t-shirt, then went to the living room where Gabe was sitting. The man was aging nicely, though he was only three years older than he.

"You look exhausted," Gabriel said.

"Long couple of days."

He knew the Cajun was giving him one of his famous gazes of concern. But Hunter wouldn't stop doing what he did. Whether it was supernatural or natural individuals he had to take out, it didn't matter, he was good at it. He had spilled enough blood for him to bathe in during the past six years. He fought for nothing. For no one. Although he felt he should be. Like there was another part of him that was meant to protect and defend.

He smiled little, laughed seldom; the smile never reached his eyes, and the laughter was shallow, barely stirring the belly. Once his jade eyes had gleamed like fine gems, now they lacked any luster. They were still a dense shade of green, yet with nothing behind them. It was why his relationship with Gabriel had turned out wrong.

Gabriel knew there was that light still inside of him, but he also knew he could not bring it out. It was up to Hunter to let go of the shadows. And Gabe couldn't commit to Hunter until he did. They remained friends though, and Gabriel often reached him in whatever part of the world he was in to relay messages that could not get to him otherwise.

"Let me make you some tea, _cher_."

A few minutes later he came back with a hot mug, sat down next to him on the couch.

"Thanks."

They were quiet for a while, sitting in the dim light of the living room.

"You said you needed to tell me something," Hunter finally said. Or so Gabe had relayed in a brief dreamscape the previous night when he was away. That was why he had quickly finished his assignment and returned stateside.

"_Oui_. Bubbe is being put to sleep tomorrow, you must go."

Hunter closed his eyes. He knew Bubbe was old, knew this day was coming. He wasn't prepared for it though. Hunter felt Gabriel squeeze his hand, and he squeezed back.

"Will you be there?" Hunter finally asked.

"_Non_," Gabriel replied regretfully. "Michael and I have to cross dimensions. The portal is only open for a certain time."

Hunter wanted nothing more than to take Gabriel into his bedroom and make love to him. But until he was able to give himself over fully, Gabriel would not have him. Every time Hunter got to that point of abandon, something held him back. The last time he had cried without heed was at the top of Mt. Everest. After high school he had traveled to Tibet where the northeast ridge of Everest was located. He climbed to the summit of Mt. Everest, and at the top he put a stone with Rowan's name carefully etched on it in her memory. Ascending Everest had been one of her dreams. There he had cried, his tears freezing on his face.

Forever would be his belief that Rowan's death was an injustice. She had survived cancer, death by drowning, only to be taken by two drunken college students. The day Paul Walters had been found hanging in his jail cell, a little over a year after being convicted, was a hollow feeling. Hunter wished it could have been his hands around Paul Walters' neck. He did not care that Paul had been sorry and riddled with guilt; his foolish actions had contributed to his best friend's death. An unforgivable transgression.

And the other one. The one who had been driving was paroled after five years. Reid had been a screaming mess about it; Hunter had deftly remedied yet another injustice. Kevin Fields had his funeral two months after leaving prison. Hunter knew his brothers suspected his culpability though no one had ever broached the subject. It was the first cold-blooded murder Hunter Mercer had ever committed.

"I'm tired," Hunter confessed quietly.

Gabriel turned to him. "I know."

Reid wished it was a rainy morning to match his mood. It had been sunny the day Ernie died; it had been bright and clear on the day of Rowan's funeral. The cemetery had been packed, hardly a dry eye among them. And the sun had gone on shining until it set. So it would be too on Bubbe's last day.

Reid sat in the passenger seat of Tyler's practical Chevy sedan. Why he had traded in the Hummer, the blond would never know. Tyler had said that a Hummer wasn't a suitable vehicle for a reputable doctor. Besides, it wasn't as if he had a dog, a wife, and two-point-five kids to lug around.

He noticed that Tyler purposely took the long way through Ipswich to Caleb's house. Avoided passing by the Ipswich Park where Rowan's tree was. In fourteen years she had touched more lives than Reid ever had. Or would.

"Caleb know I'm coming?" Reid finally asked, breaking the silence.

"Even Caleb knows you wouldn't miss this."

The blond snorted derisively. Caleb expected the worst of him. Always had. Always would. The only thing that had loosened up the Golden Boy was getting married to Judy. Reid had endured the wedding under the vigilant eye of Hunter, Pogue and Tyler. Making sure he wouldn't get plastered and make some embarrassing speech. Good times.

A knot formed in his stomach when Tyler drove past the gate of the Danvers' estate. Reid didn't know why Caleb had chosen to live here. Sure, he and Judy had done a total home makeover, but still.

"It's Hunter's car," Tyler voiced, as he stopped his car and shut off the engine.

"Ah, the Assassin made it."

The younger man glared at him. "Don't let him hear you say that."

"Hear you say what?" Hunter was standing on the stairs that led up to the house.

Tyler and Reid got out of the car.

"Hi, guys," Judy greeted, coming outside.

"Red," Reid smiled, gave her a hug and kiss. Tyler followed suit. "You're getting big," the blond commented, referring to her stomach.

"You're losing your touch with the women," Pogue quipped.

"Where's Bubbe?" Tyler asked after all greetings were made.

They sobered. Judy led them inside and into the living room where Bubbe was comfortably resting on the couch. Sensing their arrival, the tabby cat opened her eyes and meowed. Hunter and Pogue had already said their hellos so they gave Tyler and Reid space. They both knelt down by the couch and gently petted the cat. Her tail feebly moved with pleasure, a soft purring emanating from her throat.

Judy left them to go get Caleb. She knew where he was. Ascending the stairs she headed to Rowan's bedroom where her husband was standing by the window looking out into the garden.

"Reid and Tyler are here," she said, coming to stand beside him.

Caleb nodded. He hadn't strolled down memory lane in Rowan's old bedroom for quite some time. After she died he had come in here frequently, Ernie and Bubbe by his side. They had been just as bereft as him. Twitchy, restless, sitting by the front door, waiting for Rowan to come back. Sleeping on her bed at night. Caleb took them to the funeral; that was the night they began sleeping in his bedroom.

And his sister's room had been kept the same until his mom died. He couldn't bring himself to sell the house; instead he and Judy decided to redecorate it. They got rid of the fancy furniture, large leopard figurines in the sitting room. A lot of things that made the mansion seem dour were antiques, so Caleb had put them up for auction and gave the proceedings to charities and organizations for animals. The mansion was brighter now, homier. Rowan's things had been given to charity, too. It was a hard thing to do, going through her clothes, books. He kept all the albums, homemade DVDs.

Reid had fought him at first when he heard he was giving away Rowan's things. Naturally a loud argument had ensued, but Judy managed to calm Reid down. Finally, the blond had been by Caleb's side as they picked and chose which of Rowan's belongings would stay or go.

They both knew in their hearts that Rowan would have wanted her possessions to go to a good cause.

Judy wrapped her arms around him and he hugged her tightly, minding her belly at the same time.

"I was thinking," she said.

"Hmm?"

Judy smiled tenderly. "I think this room would be a good nursery."

Caleb startled. "Really?"

She nodded. "Yeah. There was a lot of laughter and love in here. What better atmosphere for our child?"

His lips spread in a grin, and warmth filled him. "I love you more than anything, Judy." He often worried that Judy would feel as if she were under Rowan's shadow when with him, he knew its cast was long. But in Judy, he had understanding.

"I love you, too, Caleb."

When the doorbell rang again, their eyes touched. They met the doctor in the foyer. She had been their veterinarian for years now. Dr. Rose's eyes held compassion and sympathy, a quiet reverence for their impending loss.

"Thank you for coming," Caleb said.

"Of course," Dr. Rose replied. She had been the one to euthanize Ernie, as well.

The good doctor met four pairs of heavy eyes when she entered the living room. These stares were familiar having come under their weight a couple of years previous. She greeted them kindly, then her gaze fell on Bubbe.

"Shall I give you all a moment?"

"Yes, please," Caleb answered.

Judy escorted Dr. Rose from the room, letting the five men savor their final moments with Bubbe.

They all kneeled by her, whispering goodbyes and endearments. Petting her soft fur for the last time and hearing her responding purrs of gratitude.

"Rowan, Ernie and Tyler and waiting for you, girl," Caleb said softly.

The cat responded with a concurring purr.

Dr. Rose and Judy reentered. It was time. Caleb sat with Bubbe on his lap as Dr. Rose prepared the syringe. The doctor didn't mind that they huddled close. Judy took her place next to Caleb. Bubbe meowed, knowing, accepting of what was to come. Her cat eyes met all of theirs, human in their feline wisdom that touched them all.

It happened quickly. Dr. Rose checked Bubbe's heart. Nothing. She put away the empty syringe.

Bubbe was still in his arms. Her eyes open. Caleb wrapped her in a blanket and put her in a blue bag lined with plastic. Her coffin was already prepared, her grave dug, tombstone inscribed. She would be buried with Rowan and Ernie in the Danvers' plot at Ipswich Cemetery.

He was reluctant in handing over Bubbe's remains to Dr. Rose who was to take the cat to be prepared for burial later this afternoon. When the doctor and Bubbe were gone they sat quietly in the living room, the sunlight streaming in through the large windows.

"When will she be ready?" Reid broke the silence.

"In a couple of hours," Caleb replied.

It was difficult to lapse into conversation now. Did they just shoot the shit while they waited? Yes. It was better than the alternative. They avoided reminiscing, it was too early. Perhaps after Bubbe was in the ground they could look back on the better times, then go home to empty apartments.

"How's work, Tyler?" Pogue asked before taking a drink.

"Good. Busy."

"Is that why you never return my calls?" Hunter joked.

"No, that's why he hasn't had a date in forever," Reid quipped.

"What would you know about dates?" Pogue retorted amidst chuckles.

"I go on dates," Reid protested.

"The women you pick up at bars don't count," Hunter said.

The blond snorted.

Caleb changed the subject. "How's Cassidy?"

Pogue shrugged nonchalantly. "Fine." He covered his unease. Cassidy had left his apartment early. He didn't blame her.

"Are you guys on or off?" Tyler asked.

Pogue hesitated, honestly unsure.

"What'd you do?" Hunter half-grinned.

"Nah," Reid interjected. "Let me guess. She wants you to _commit_."

Pogue shot him a look before thinking, giving away the truth.

"Get out now, Pogue," the blond said.

"Is that your answer to everything?" Caleb queried.

Reid smirked, not letting the comment get to him. Tyler felt the kindling of tension. Any barb that Reid answered with would be easily misconstrued.

"How's the baby?" he asked.

Caleb relaxed. "Great. Got another check-up in a few weeks. Judy's making an album of the sonogram pictures."

"Another Son in the making," Reid opined.

A heavy silence settled upon them. Pogue, Caleb, Tyler and Hunter exchanged glances.

"What?" Reid demanded. He glared at all of them.

Silence. Then, "Tell him," Pogue said to Caleb.

"Tell me what?" he asked vehemently.

Caleb didn't want to do this now. Not today. But he was backed in a corner. "It's…not a Son."

A lump formed in Reid's stomach. The bagel he'd had this morning clumping. He said nothing. Not a Son? That meant…

"The rest of you knew?" he said. Their quiet was all the answer he needed. He stood up angrily. "When the hell were you going to tell me?"

"Reid." Tyler said his name calmly.

"No, screw you, Tyler," Reid spat.

It was no secret what Reid thought about females being born to a Son. Their life spans were short. One only had to read the Book of Damnation to confirm it. He believed that Rowan died because she was born of a Covenant line. That it had been some twisted fate that had a part in her death. When he looked at Caleb, all this read plainly in his eyes.

"You know what happens to females in the Covenant," Reid said darkly. "Does Judy know?"

Caleb's jaw clenched. "Don't go there, Reid. Do not go there."

He scoffed. "This is fucked."

Tyler stood hastily. "Let's get some air, Reid." He tried to coerce Reid out by his elbow but the blond shook it off angrily.

"Get off!" The blood was pounding in his ears. "You know what happened to Rowan."

Now they were all on their feet. Caleb said, "I mean it, Reid."

Pogue was standing close to Caleb, ready to hold him back in case he lost his cool. He knew it had been difficult for Caleb to accept that he and Judy were having a girl. He'd struggled to see past the implications, and now he was happy about it.

"Get some air," Hunter intoned. He had that placid expression on his face, eyes steady, brooking no argument. "Now."

Reid stalked out of the room. His feet led him to the back of the mansion. To the door of the apothecary. He stopped cold.

Rowan was sitting at the counter, her Book of Shadows open in front of her. But it wasn't the Rowan he knew. She was slightly older. At his entry she looked up, and smiled.

Reid shut his eyes tightly. When he opened them, the vision was gone. He hated when this happened. It was like taking a blow from all sides. After Rowan died he had seen her out of grief. After he Ascended, he began to see her as older, as she might have been had she been allowed to grow up. It was so real, so solid, like he was peering into some parallel universe.

Reid hurried out the back door of the apothecary. He didn't realize he was holding his breath until he gulped fresh air.

"Goddamn it," he hissed.

He sat down on a stone bench in the garden, hands shaking as he lit a cigarette. The nicotine calmed his nerves. Damn those visions, he could feel them, smell them. So clear. Vivid. His body shook.

"Rowan." He spoke her name, barely a whisper.

He hadn't had a chance to tell her he loved her. More than anyone or anything. Not just any love; but truly, deeply loved her with everything he had. He wanted her back so much that it hurt.

"Anyone tell you those can kill you?" Hunter asked.

Reid nearly jumped. He turned his head; Hunter was standing just a few feet away, concern on his face.

"I've never heard that," Reid replied glibly.

Hunter sat down. Didn't say anything. Waited it out. It was hard for him to be here, too. Rowan had loved this garden. Before Evelyn became an alcoholic she would spend hours out here with her mother.

"What the hell's he thinking, having a girl?" Reid finally said.

"It's not like he planned it. You don't think it was hard for him to accept either? But Caleb's happy. Getting a second chance."

"A second chance."

"And he's the only one out of all of us that's fought to do it."

Reid looked at him as if Hunter were insane. "Do what?"

Hunter's brow rose. "Have a real life. A complete one. Love, a home with that someone he loves. Making a family other than us."

"Well, thank you, Freud."

Bland amusement curved his lips. "Try and be happy for him. We're going to be uncles, you know."

Reid scoffed contemptuously. "Are you _happy_ for him?" No answer. "Come on, when's the last time you felt _happy_, Hunter?"

His face was slack and he didn't answer for a minute. Reid honestly thought Hunter would make him do a free fall with his powers for having provoked him, but no such thing happened.

"I know I could be better than what I am," Hunter said quietly.

The blond was taken aback. The only person he'd heard make a confession like this was Caleb. It was as close to saying that they just weren't right without Rowan. That in their failure to live to their fullest, they had, too, failed Rowan herself.

Hunter sighed, ran his hand down his beleaguered face. "Come on. Bubbe's ready."

Reid checked his watch. He'd been out in the garden for over an hour. "Let's go around." He didn't want to walk through the apothecary again.

_Damn heart pangs_, Pogue grumbled in his mind.

He watched Caleb help Judy into the car, being overprotective, before getting into the car himself. Pogue got into his, checked his voicemail before starting the engine. Nothing. What had he been hoping for? A call from Cassidy? After the way he had brushed her off last night.

_And every other night._

All he wanted now was to hear her voice.

Did he love her? Sometimes Pogue thought he did, yet the idea scared the hell out of him. Loving someone so unconditionally…

He knew what a shrink would say. Loving someone unconditionally, as he had Rowan, left the opportunity to feel so much hurt if you lost that person. The bulk of what Pogue knew about affection, kindness, compassion, had all come from Rowan. Those lessons just got a little rusty after she died. And maybe it was time to brush up on them.

The drive to Ipswich Cemetery wasn't long. They parked in a line, got out. There was a collective hesitance before stepping foot on this hallow ground. The last time they were all here together was for Ernie. Otherwise they came separately, randomly, whenever the feeling arose.

Their eyes automatically were drawn to Rowan's gravestone when they approached.

**_Rowan Faith Danvers  
1989-2004  
Forever young, forever in our hearts_**

The groundskeeper stood some feet away with a shovel. He nodded his head kindly, letting them have their space until he was needed.

Bubbe's casket was small, befitting the feline herself. She rested to the left of Ernie. Reid and Caleb stood on opposites sides of the grave, avoiding the other's stare. They each took a turn saying a piece, a memory that played clearly in each mind. Such recollections were bittersweet.

It didn't take long. And as they listened to the dirt hitting the casket they knew another chapter of their lives had closed.

The alcohol wasn't working tonight as he sat in the darkness. His mind and body were shot with fatigue. Too many emotions today. Too many memories. Reid went over his argument with Caleb. His wife was ever understanding, giving him a sweet hug and kiss before they departed from the cemetery. If only her husband had such a disposition. Reid scoffed in solitude.

His phone beckoned him. It was clasped in his hand, his thumb over the first button of Caleb's number. To call or not to call?

_Do I want to be castigated right now?_ he thought.

His brothers were all he had. Sure, he was an asshole, probably didn't deserve their loyalty, but he had it. Reid wasn't sure how many more punches his and Caleb's relationship could take though.

"Fuck it," he said and dialed.

"What does he want?" Caleb grumbled.

"Answer it," Judy told him as she readied for bed.

"After what he said today?"

Judy just gave him that loving, wifely look that said she knew all and he would better for it if he answered Reid's call.

Caleb pulled a face. "Reid," he said.

Silence.

"Are you drunk?"

"No!" Reid retorted, his voice coming through loud and clear. "Christ." He gripped the telephone.

"Do you need something?"

"I don't need anything. I wanted to…" He sighed.

Caleb sat down on the bed, his ire cooling. Brown eyes flicked to a picture on his nightstand of him and Rowan and the rest of the guys when they were younger; and a single of Rowan with Tyler the guinea pig, Ernie and Bubbe. Then there was a picture of Judy, under the sun, her red hair ablaze, smile bright. It was just a random photo he had taken a couple of years ago, but he loved it.

"About…earlier," Reid stalled. "Today. You deserve it." He realized how that sounded, and quickly rephrased it. "I mean you deserve to be happy. And have a healthy kid."

"Thanks," he replied.

"And…you having a girl. It's…good. I'm…" He couldn't say happy. He couldn't say glad. "I think this is good," he finally said.

"Thank you," Caleb told him. "Really." Judy was smiling gently at him, he returned it.

"Yeah." He cleared his throat. "I'll let you go now."

"All right."

Reid hung up. He tossed the phone aside, suddenly wearier than he'd been five minutes ago. He went to his room, fell on the bed, blue eyes closing before his head hit the pillow.

He hadn't lied when he told Caleb that he and Judy having a girl was a good thing. The guy deserved all the good things that came his way. Maybe Tyler, Pogue and Hunter would come around some day soon, but Reid knew he wouldn't. He knew he would hurt everyday, never stop loving her. He would forever catch spurious glimpses of her around the corner, or across the street, in a crowd.

And every night he would wish that when he woke up, this life without Rowan was just a dream.

* * *

**Wow, that was depressing to write. But I had to put it out there.**

**Anywho, I hope it wasn't too bad. It was weird writing them without Rowan having some dialogue or something. I tried to put an uplifting kernel to the story, I didn't want it to be all doom and gloom. **

**The ending to this story will tie in to the very beginning of my next story: "Binding Faith"**

**Nothing huge, just a tiny twist. More of a curl really.**

**I'd love to know what you guys think. Comments. Throw 'em at me.**

**Thanks for reading. :D**


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